Well hello there!
I’m here today to do some babbling about a common miscommunication I see popping up in folks’ relationships all the time — let me set the scene.
You’ve been there before: You’ve said something to someone, and it FLOPPED. You’re fucking dying when you hear it goes poorly, and you totally didn’t have the slightest idea that this would go awry. You’ve gone from making what you were sure was an innocuous remark, or a hilarious quip, to now being The Bad Guy ™. And, you really, really want the other person to know it. “I’m sorry,” you cry, “I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
But sometimes this is not enough.
And sometimes, you’re the recipient of a chronic “But I didn’t mean to”-er. This article is for you.
Maybe your loveable partner with “Golden Retriever energy” just keeps lovingly barrelling over all your well-set and clearly-communicated boundaries and you’re getting really fucking sick of having your metaphorical toes become mincemeat. And somehow, saying “Ouch!” a hundred times has not rectified the situation. When you try to address your partner on it, they say “I meant this as a good thing!” or “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
And the thing is, you believe it! Let’s toss out all the gaslighting or abusive partners and leave behind for the sake of this article the well-intentioned people we know would never want to hurt you. I hear you on your intentions! I know they were good! I know you love me!
But, like, stop stepping on my fucking toes! Ouch! I am tired of telling you!
Let’s do a quick review of this and see if we can’t find make sense of it.
Sometimes, Positive Intent Doesn’t Matter
In this example we’re running with for this article, we trust your partner is a good person. We trust they have good intentions. But sometimes, their intention pales in comparison to the impact of their actions. Sometimes, it is more pressing to focus on the impact of positive-intention actions, because even though the intention is positive, their impact is still duly negative. And, shouldn’t that matter to a positively-intending person? If they intend to have a positive effect on you, their partner, then they would likely feel very Bad ™ that their well-meaning actions are hurting the person they love and care about. So, understanding intent vs. impact can be a helpful way to demonstrate to a well-meaning person that the thing that matters in cleaning up the spilled milk might not be a well-done apology, or even a clarification of their positive intention for you and your relationship, but rather a better understanding of the impact their actions or words had on you. Then, the situation can helpfully be more well-understood which might prevent it from recurring, and you, the recipient of said actions or words, can feel catharsis in feeling understood and supported.
Intent vs. Impact
Understanding “intent vs. impact” is crucial for effective communication and interpersonal relationships. At its core, this concept highlights the distinction between what a person meant to convey (intent) and how that message is received by others (impact). This divergence can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional hurt if not addressed.
Intent: What We Mean
Intent refers to the purpose or motivation behind our words and actions. It encompasses the thought process, feelings, and desired outcomes we have when we communicate. For instance, a person might make a joke intending to lighten the mood or to bond with others. The intent can be positive, benign, or even neutral; however, it is often rooted in the speaker’s perspective and context.
While good intentions are admirable, they do not automatically translate into effective communication. Just because someone intended to be supportive or humorous doesn’t mean their message will be perceived that way. The context of the situation, the receiver’s background, and their current emotional state all play significant roles in how a message is interpreted.
Impact: How It’s Received
Impact is the effect that a message has on the recipient. This includes their emotional response, thoughts, and any subsequent actions. The impact can differ drastically from the intent, leading to feelings of confusion, anger, or hurt. For instance, a person might intend to offer constructive criticism but inadvertently make the recipient feel attacked or belittled. Here, the impact of the words overshadows the original intention.
Recognizing the gap between intent and impact is essential, especially in diverse environments where individuals have different backgrounds, experiences, and sensitivities. Cultural differences can significantly affect interpretation. A statement meant as a compliment in one culture might be perceived as offensive in another. Therefore, awareness and sensitivity to the nuances of communication are vital.
Furthermore, individuals engaged in a close relationship may have identical backgrounds, upbringings, you name it: but are still individual people with different communication needs and sensitivities. When communicating with a close person, one will hit a wall if their strategy is just to get the person to perceive a different impact from a well-intentioned remark. It’s on the remark-maker to accept and understand feedback from an affected party, and to remember in the future what this person needs from them, tactfully, if they intend on continuing a close relationship with that person.
The Importance of Acknowledgment
When a disconnect occurs between intent and impact, it is essential to acknowledge it. This is where empathy plays a critical role. Listening actively to the feelings of the impacted person, validating their experience, and offering a sincere apology if necessary can help bridge the gap. Acknowledgment shows that while the speaker may not have intended harm, they recognize the hurt caused and are willing to learn from the experience.
Moreover, it encourages a culture of open communication. People become more willing to express how they feel, fostering an environment where misunderstandings can be addressed and resolved constructively. This practice not only strengthens relationships but also promotes personal growth and understanding.
To navigate the complexities of intent vs. impact, individuals can cultivate self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Reflecting on one’s own communication style, seeking feedback, and being willing to adapt are all crucial steps. Additionally, practicing active listening—where one focuses fully on the speaker and seeks to understand their perspective—can greatly enhance interpersonal interactions.
So What?
OK Sara, so what do we do with this?
Well, we’ve clarified intent vs. impact. And, we have acknowledged our hypothetical partner is acting with good intent, despite impact being negative.
When mending broken fences in relationships, apologies can be really important. So much so that I’ve written an article on crafting worthwhile apologies prior. For some people, an important part of an apology is clarifying their intent.
A partner who constantly clarifies their intention as positive, but continues to act in a way that’s hurtful, can be exhausting and annoying at best to the wronged parties. For the sake of this article, the example apology-recipient is like, “I know you didn’t mean it as bad. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me.” They can feel exhausted by an apology that’s just a relentless clarification of their partner’s intent because they might feel hurt that their partner’s apology focuses on their partner rather than on them, the hurt party.
Sometimes, a road map of moving forward from The Incident ™ involves a focus on understanding the wronged party, and making amends, or making sure that it won’t recur: clarifying one’s intent might only be a small part of the pie chart there. So it can be tiresome to be the recipient of an apology that seems to be all about the apology-giver. For these situations, an “apology” might drive the two further away from each other, which is pretty stressful.
Understanding the roadblocks that “But I didn’t mean to” might instill in one’s communication with a partner can be a necessary, if painful to examine, step forward in growing closer to your partner. Having the vulnerability to, and facing the discomfort of, understanding how your own communication strategies might be torching your desire to connect with a partner can be very helpful in the long run, if uncomfortable in the short-term.
Bringing a partner’s attention to this dynamic, if they are the one creating it, can be very difficult. If you’re in this situation, I want to tell you: It is not your responsibility or even within your control or purview to make your partner understand you. You can only best communicate what’s going on for you, and hope that it might get across. You are not responsible for someone else’s understanding. Oh, how I wish you were! But unfortunately, the old adage is true: You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
So, focus on what’s in your control: Understand what you’re thinking and feeling, and how to express this to your partner. Have clarity on what things hurt you or don’t, and work on expressing this in a way that’s clear and consistent. Understand aspects of your partner to know what ways you might communicate this that might work best knowing that they are your audience. Bringing this to them in the middle of their workday might not be the best. Beginning this topic with a rough set-up that causes them to get defensive is just shooting yourself in the foot. Give this a fair shot, for yourself.
When communicating about this, we’re threading the needle: We, the wronged party, want to be understood on why this hurt and impacted us, and also to know that it won’t happen again. But we also want to provide a comfort to our partner in our understanding that yes, their intention was positive, without redirecting the entire narrative in-moment to be on that. It’s difficult to achieve this balance. But understand too, your relationship with your partner is a revolving door and this doesn’t all have to be solved right NOW. There’s always future conversations you can gear up for when you both aren’t activated that look like,
“Hey, when we’re having a disagreement I notice sometimes you tend to really focus on your intention being good. What’s going on for you in those moments that you feel like you need to clarify that? It seems really important to you.”
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“Hey, I hear you saying you didn’t mean to do that. I know you don’t mean anything negatively for me, and I love that about you! Sometimes when you focus on your positive intentions, it feels frustrating to me, because I know your intentions are good. Maybe we can set this aside to focus on something else because that seems like a moot point when I know you meant nothing by it.”
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“Hey, sometimes when you focus on not meaning to hurt me, I get that. But I would really like when we’re disagreeing sometimes for you to focus on hearing me out about why that hurt for me. That might prevent us from having this disagreement over and over again in the future.”
Sometimes, clarifying one’s intention is an important part of making things right after a painful moment in a relationship.
And sometimes it isn’t!
Making more space for other aspects of apologizing and reconnecting after a painful spat can be really helpful in your relationship. And navigating this can be tough, particularly if you’re on the receiving end. I want to write this to say, no, you’re not crazy, and I wish you well on rebalancing the apology situation in your relationship. If you’re reading this article, you’re likely already the type to self-reflect on this and ensure this tendency changes in your relationship, and I commend you on bringing this positive energy and self-reflection into your partnership.